


Alternate Universe Wherein Desmond Is A Complete Idiot

by Assassin_J



Category: Assassin's Creed
Genre: AC2, Assassin's Creed Kink Meme, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm only tagging that in case it's triggering to people, Is this considered crack?, Joking References to Death/Suicide, Mispronunciations, Modern Day, One-Shot, Present Tense, Prompt Fic, Stupidity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-07
Updated: 2014-12-07
Packaged: 2018-02-28 11:40:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2731109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Assassin_J/pseuds/Assassin_J
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Come on, we gotta find Ezio's Apple!"</p><p>"What does a fucking <strong>fruit</strong> have to do with jabbing a pointy thing in my wrist? And why does it have to be Enzio's specifically, Lucy's out at the grocery store as we speak, can't you just text her 'yo babe grab sum aplz tia'?"</p><hr/><p>someone on the AC kinkmeme requested <a href="http://asscreedkinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/2158.html?thread=12090478#cmt12090478">someone who just joined the Brotherhood being incredibly confused by the terminology</a></p><p>so I wrote this</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alternate Universe Wherein Desmond Is A Complete Idiot

"Desmond come on, lemme stick it in you!" Rebecca whines, trying to grab his arm to insert the needle for the Animus input.

 

"Geesh, that's incredibly weird for a girl to be saying that," he says, nimbly evading her grasp and getting out of the uncomfortable metal lounger.

 

"Come on, we gotta find Ezio's Apple!"

 

Desmond sighs and (gently) bangs his head into the wall. "What does a fucking **fruit** have to do with jabbing a pointy thing in my wrist? And why does it have to be Enzio's specifically, Lucy's out at the grocery store as we speak, can't you just text her 'yo babe grab sum aplz tia'?"

 

She facepalms (with the hand that isn't currently holding said pointy thing). "Ugh, I explained it already, didn't I?"

 

"Can you go over it **once more** for me?" Desmond pleads. "Remember, Becca, I may have been born into this thing, but I'm still a relative noob to whatever your mission is."

 

"Fine! I have to put this needle into you so you can go in the Animus-"

 

He makes a disgusted face. "I don't wanna go in any animals! That's, like, illegal!"

 

"No, Animus!" Rebecca repeats. "My Baby!"

 

"I definitely don't wanna go in any **baby** animals!"

 

Unable to hold his tongue any longer, Shaun finally joins the dialogue (which makes it a trialogue I guess). "It's this machine, you knobhead! You know, like the one at Abstergo?!"

 

"Ugh, why did you bother rescuing me if you're just putting me back in one of those things?"

 

"So we can save the bloody planet!" Shaun fumes, redfaced at Desmond's sheer ignorance.

 

Desmond rolls his eyes. "Okay, so the Assassins became a bunch of eco-nuts since I left, great. Does this Amalus thing stop global warming or something?"

 

"In a manner of speaking, yeah, it does," Rebecca laughs, thinking of the impending solar flare. "If you would just get in it already!"

 

Desmond rubs the heels of his hands on his temples. "But what does the Amalus have to do with apples?"

 

"We need you to sync with Ezio to find where he hid his Apple."

 

"I have to sink? I already sank, or sunk, or whatever, a bunch of times at Asstergo, with that Alter guy who couldn't swim!"

 

"No, Desmond, you have to go in the Animus to sync!"

 

"Well, I guess I'd sink a lot faster with all that machinery weighing me down," he admits. "But I don't think that me drowning will help the environment any."

 

"Ugh, you're such a fucking moron!" Rebecca yells. "I mean you have to sync with your ancestor!"

 

Desmond scrunches his nose in thought. "Okay, so you're gonna drown me **and** my dad. So there'll be two less humans... so the total human population will have a smaller carbon footprint. Thus saving the planet?"

 

"Chrissake, why did the Precursors have to pick such a daft Chosen One?"

 

"The Precursors!" Desmond's eyes brighten in recognition. "I've heard of them!"

 

"Fucking finally! Something we don't have to explain!"

 

"Yeah!" Desmond puts on a cheesy Scottish accent and begins to sing. "I'm on my weey! From misery to happiness todeey!"

 

"You pillock, that's The **Proclaimers** , they're a bloody music group!"

 

Desmond nods. "Yeah, they're not bad, but I don't see what they've got to do with apples or anything else."

 

"Rebecca, did Bill supply us any guns for this mission? I need to shoot myself."

**Author's Note:**

> for some reason I instinctively write my sillier stuff in present tense  
> idk why  
> I don't even notice it until halfway through


End file.
